Heed the nudge

After a few suspiciously timed trips in and out of the bedroom today, I decided I'd better check on things after he caught a ride to an activity this evening. Shortly after he left, I headed upstairs. I can tell certain things by the placement of key items. So I wasn't surprised to find something hidden under the dresser. It was a letter to his "girlfriend" listing places they could potentially sneak off to and "cuddle", along with a declaration of love and a reminder that the adult in charge of their usual together time knew I was ignorant of their relationship, so they'd better keep quiet about it.

Considering the sheriff's department is aware of previous incidents of him being where he shouldn't have been, this was an important list to hold onto. I don't doubt he will communicate the information to his "girlfriend" by some other means.

In another part of the room, I came across some racy advertising he'd pulled from a magazine, along with several letters from "girlfriend". She loves him, she loves to cuddle with him, she'll help him sneak away, she'll pay his way while they're off being sneaky, etc.

Next thing you know, I'm driving to their activity to have a little talk with some folks.

The leader of the organization has known they're "together" for weeks but didn't want to tell the parents because she wanted him to be mature enough to do it himself. Isn't that hopeful and naive of her? I told her frankly what he's like and why we have to parent him this way. I told her I'm not mad at her, and she said she'd understand if I was.

The "girlfriend" says "dating" means they hang out together and appreciate each other. She "loves" him because he makes her laugh and he's nice. I agreed with her that those things are true of him. I asked her if she was familiar with the Bible's definition of love, and how it points to what is true and good. I asked her to imagine being grown up and married, and her husband lying or sneaking off to be with someone... she agreed that is not love. I told her when she encourages him to do those things, that's not love, either. I said the best way she could love him is to help him tell the truth and do what's right. I also invited her to come hang out at our house, where they were welcome to be together in a way that won't get either of them in trouble.

After leaving there, I drove across town to hug a friend. She wasn't home. Her husband was, and he spoke up about a few things that he's noticed going on that aren't right. I'm glad I initiated that chat, or he'd have waited to share... like he did with one of my other kids. But that's another story. So then I went to another opposite corner of town to hunt down my friend.

She hugged me.
I sobbed.
I told her, "I feel so alone. The adults in his life won't tell me what's going on with him unless I know what to ask."

I got on with my evening, which went pretty well until he got home from his activity.

I've ruined his life.
I always...
I never...
I control...
I have no right...
I've also ruined all my other kids' lives, and they never get to do what they want with their lives... this while all four of them are in other states doing their own things.
I'm not his parent, I'm his guardian.
He should be able to make his own decisions.
He's gonna drop out of school and get a job.
I can't stop him from loving her.
He'll do whatever he wants.
You probably know the script.

I reminded him that yes, he'll do what he wants. And when that goes against our house rules, we will enforce consequences. That's our job. We're parents.

He called his dad.
Dad agreed. Plus warned against teen pregnancy, which was pretty much the last straw.

"Why do you always think that?"
I don't. Dad does. Because it's something lots of rebellious teens do.

That pretty much ended the evening.